Wednesday, May 28, 2003

The New House is ours, but there is one concern: ants! and lots of them.

So I am burning the midnight oil, trying to come up with ways to keep my home ant-free. The camera whirls around me as I feverishly add, subtract and yes even divide, performing complex calculations to best grasp the ant psyche, the better to murder them and dance on their graves, possibly singing. I could create a vast ant Arlington in my own back yard complete with tiny eternal flame.

I have arrived at a few possible plans:

1. The Antchurian Candidate
Kidnap certain key ants, and perform total brainwashing. (Note: Make sure garden party set is totally believable). Later, reinsert these "sleeper" ants into ant society, ready to begin cleansing with the holy fire when a certain trigger object is viewed. Possible downside to plan: There are not that many potential trigger objects ants can realistically come into contact with. A really common trigger object, like dirt for instance, could cause problems. Check to see if ants play cards.

2. Ant Jonestown
Disguise myself as a charismatic ant cult leader. Insinuate myself into ant society and begin to drop little hints to my fellow drones that maybe if we all killed ourselves, there would be mountains of sugar in the next world. After a few days, stage an ant "love-in" in the yard, complete with diamond-vision mega-screens of crumbs and garbage and huge speakers playing soothing New Age rhythms. In the immensity of the moment, tiny cans of Raid will be distributed and the carnage will undoubtedly ensue.

3. Cruel and Unusual
Play Simon & Garfunkel's "Feelin' Groovy" for ten hours straight until ants give themselves up.

That's all I got.


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