So I go into Home Depot and I'm all like "Hey! Who here can help me with whacking!?"

And this dude is like "That is like the most tiredest joke in Home Depot, my man. Get your lame self on out of my Garden Department before I spray on you with the Corry's Snail and Slug Death."

"But dude! I want to go into my front yard and whack and feel proud. I don't want a cord to be dragging around, getting in the way of my whacking!"

This post did not make a lot of sense. But the point is that, in one of the first essential steps to home ownership (way before having any sort of a clue about home repair or anything like that), I did get an EDGE HOG! Because I'm an EDGE HOG ACHIEVER! An EDGE HOG is like a weedwhacker except it has a little cartoon spokesperson which looks kind of like Knuckles the Echidna from the old Sonic games, and that's what I'm really looking for in a yard implement.

The other thing I'm looking for in a yard implement is to be able to brandish or possibly wield it in a menacing fashion.