Friday, October 26, 2007

The Return of Large Oily People

As you may have heard, NBC is basically admitting defeat and complete lack of imagination and bringing back American Gladiators, the finest program ever produced in recorded history. Of course, I've been in talks with the network. They want me to return to the field of battle, and once again become what, in my heart, I've always been: an American Gladiator.

But I pause. I wonder. Would it be fair to subject the soft and pliant contestants to the full brunt of my awesome 5'11", 160 lb. frame? Let's not forget that I was the only American Gladiator to projectile vomit in the Atlasphere--and finish the match, as the vomit whirled around me, making purchase difficult, and resulting in me laying prone on the sphere's floor, crying like a little girl. That historic moment struck fear, and not a little pity, into the hearts of my foes.

But whether or not I decide to return to former triumphs, you should watch this show with something approaching regularity (incidentally, regularity was not something the American Gladiators themselves experienced, with the massive quantities of anabolic steroids and body oil those guys were ingesting). Because it makes America strong.

if I could suggest an American Gladiator viewing strategy to stop you from slipping into unconsciousness as enormous beefslab individuals wail on their hapless opponents, it would be this: wager. American Gladiators is made much more interesting when you've got a five-spot riding on that ingratiating turd from Ohio who wants to win the competition for his dying mother/sister/puppy.

And let's not forget the drinking. You can't make it through an episode without imbibing heavily. Why not make it a game? Take a drink any time:

  • One of the Gladiators poses, "Gun Show" style

  • A contestant is shown getting choked up about his or her family in a gratuitous "up close and personal" segment

  • Hulk Hogan (star of Suburban Commado and Mr. Nanny, who is commentating this time, by the way) says "Hulkamania!" or any "BAM!" type phrase that means "Oh my, that large person hit that small person quite well!"

Anyway, here's the canned blurb some incredibly misguided publicist sent me. enjoy:

NBC's classic competition show of the early 90s is back. "American Gladiators" which pits the strength and agility of both male and female contestants against each other, will be taping at the Sony Studios (Culver City, CA) from Nov 28th-Dec. 12, 2007. The host is Hulk Hogan.

For groups of 10 or more (from a registered organization), who attend a taping, NBC will write a donation check. The more people, the higher the payment. For details, please call: 1-866-515-4950

Online reservations for individuals can be found here:

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

The Wisdom of Bob Dylan

How many songs could a tambourine man play, anyway? And why would you want to hear one, no matter how alert and directionless you might be? Because really, no matter what song the tambourine man might play for you, it's going to sound like kss! k-kss! k-kss!

I guess it's better than Mr. Triangle Man or Mr. Kazoo.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

Eight (or Ten) Arms, No Waiting

I can't believe I missed International Cephalopod Awareness Day this year. Beside the fact that I've surely offended some of my favorite cuttlefish, I've probably moved up the list for grisly disembowelment when the Old Ones show up. Let's hope Cthulhu sleeps in.


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