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News from the Baby Front
Oh my. The sleep. I remember the sleep.
I've been grabbing an hour's sleep here and there, while the wifely friend takes her shifts. Mostly, I've been watching just remarkable amounts of television, with the kid on my lap or next to me in her bassinet, my mouth hanging open, my chin and neck region a scraggly mess. Surrounded by burp cloths, Boppys, onesies, and empty coffee mugs.
I've also spent a lot of time marching around the room rocking her in my arms, which I highly recommend, and singing whatever song I can think of. Winners so far are:
- Johnny Cash - Sunday Morning Coming Down
- Social Distortion - Ball and Chain
- Lou Reed - Walk on the Wild Side (edited for tender ears)
- Brazil
The sleep deprivation is worth it, of course, because it gives you complete justification for doing really amusing things to your newborn daughter. When the newborns are asleep, they are really asleep. You can play with their arms, Walk Like an Egyptian style. You can flap their lower lip so it makes a nice little pop noise. You can, of course, call her humiliating names like Poo Commando, El Dribblo, and more.
So far things are as tiring as I expected, very occasionally more stressful than I expected, and overall just awesome.
We are keeping her.
posted by
kafkaesque @
12:53 PM
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Saturday, July 04, 2009 |
I Guess We're Going to Have to Take Control
So, something recently happened. I became a dad for the first time. My daughter was born at 6.10 yesterday morning, and damned if she isn't the best thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
This probably explains why I'm sitting in a hospital, trying to keep my eyes open, watching Ghostbusters 2. I always seem to end up in front of the tv, viewing marginally amusing comedies at important life moments. The day I got married my best man and I sat in a hotel room, as the minutes ticked down until the big moment, watching My Blue Heaven. I regret to this day not saying to my wife during our vows "You could totally melt all this stuff!"
Or maybe the thread that links my important life moments is Rick Moranis. Could be worse, I guess. Could be Martin Short.
But back to the matter at hand. The Ghostbusters just animated the Statue of Liberty somehow, and I find myself with a little person sucking my finger. A little perfect person with long fingers and toes and grey-blue eyes, wearing a hat that makes her look like GloWorm.
I'm tired, and in love, and I see my wife in a new way. I'm so proud of her and our new daughter.
Can't wait to see what the next big life change will be. I better check the listings for Honey, I Shrunk the Kids just to be on the safe side.
posted by
kafkaesque @
9:44 PM
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Tuesday, June 30, 2009 |
Swearing
I wanted to say a few brief words about the inauguration today, besides "sucks to be the guy behind the big hat". That, I think, goes without saying.
What I really wanted to say was that I forgot how it felt to have a president that can make it through a speech without smirking. Who sounds like he believes the words he's speaking. Like maybe he even had a hand in writing those words. Who mentions Islam, Judaism, and even those who don't believe in any religion, and the importance of recognizing all those beliefs.
Look, I don't think Obama is some savior. I just think that he might among the best of us, someone wise, and that's who I want guiding the country. Not someone looking to line the pockets of his friends, fiddling as we burn.
For God's sake, not some simpering, smirking asshole. That's what I forgot about. How it feels not to have an asshole representing us to the rest of the world.
So, for now, until proven otherwise, let's enjoy the moment of seeing Barack Hussein Obama sworn in. Of seeing a non-white family there on the stage, for the first time. Let's just mix it up, and let ourselves hope, for a change.
posted by
kafkaesque @
10:09 PM
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Tuesday, January 20, 2009 |
A Brief Confession
I subscribe to Word of the Day emails only so I can feel superior when I already know the word.
posted by
kafkaesque @
11:42 AM
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Thursday, September 18, 2008 |
Just In Case
So a bunch of crazy Swiss types think it's a good idea to tamper in God's domain and start accelerating particles all willy-nilly (not to get too technical for you). To me, it seems like they're just asking for some janitor to stumble into a vortex and be given supervillain powers, but do they care? No.
In case you would like to check if the Large Hadron Collider has destroyed the world yet, check out everyone's favorite site (and make sure to view the source):
hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com
posted by
kafkaesque @
1:59 PM
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Wednesday, September 10, 2008 |
I sometimes think of Clippy, and where he is now. Maybe selling pencils down on skid row. Following passers-by, his breath reeking of Jasco. "Hey... mister..." he slurs. "It looks like you're trying to get away from me! Here are some options you might try."
And as his victim hurries away, the tears roll down Clippy's face. "I just want to help. Only to help."
posted by
kafkaesque @
9:23 AM
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Monday, September 08, 2008 |
The Napoleonic Wars
I have had a deep and abiding need for a Napoleon since last week. Not the pint-sized French general kind, but the pastry kind. My usual go-to pastry destination, Whole Foods, left me Napoleonless, in a "not much call for them around here, squire" interaction. Another luxury grocery store which shall remain nameless (but is in fact named Draeger's) also failed Napoleonically and has snotty clerks to boot.
If I don't get a Napoleon soon, I can't be held responsible for the consequences. I might have to build a doomsday machine, lug it to a remote island location called, I don't know, let's say Skull Island, and threaten the world supervillain style until my demands are met.
I bet that's how Dr. Doom got started. And the real tragedy is that he probably got his Napoleon right after they put that metal mask on him, so one of his henchmen had to push the Napoleon through the tiny mouth-slit.
posted by
kafkaesque @
1:08 PM
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Monday, February 04, 2008 |
The Return of Large Oily People
As you may have heard, NBC is basically admitting defeat and complete lack of imagination and bringing back American Gladiators, the finest program ever produced in recorded history. Of course, I've been in talks with the network. They want me to return to the field of battle, and once again become what, in my heart, I've always been: an American Gladiator.
But I pause. I wonder. Would it be fair to subject the soft and pliant contestants to the full brunt of my awesome 5'11", 160 lb. frame? Let's not forget that I was the only American Gladiator to projectile vomit in the Atlasphere--and finish the match, as the vomit whirled around me, making purchase difficult, and resulting in me laying prone on the sphere's floor, crying like a little girl. That historic moment struck fear, and not a little pity, into the hearts of my foes.
But whether or not I decide to return to former triumphs, you should watch this show with something approaching regularity (incidentally, regularity was not something the American Gladiators themselves experienced, with the massive quantities of anabolic steroids and body oil those guys were ingesting). Because it makes America strong.
if I could suggest an American Gladiator viewing strategy to stop you from slipping into unconsciousness as enormous beefslab individuals wail on their hapless opponents, it would be this: wager. American Gladiators is made much more interesting when you've got a five-spot riding on that ingratiating turd from Ohio who wants to win the competition for his dying mother/sister/puppy.
And let's not forget the drinking. You can't make it through an episode without imbibing heavily. Why not make it a game? Take a drink any time:
- One of the Gladiators poses, "Gun Show" style
- A contestant is shown getting choked up about his or her family in a gratuitous "up close and personal" segment
- Hulk Hogan (star of Suburban Commado and Mr. Nanny, who is commentating this time, by the way) says "Hulkamania!" or any "BAM!" type phrase that means "Oh my, that large person hit that small person quite well!"
Anyway, here's the canned blurb some incredibly misguided publicist sent me. enjoy:
NBC's classic competition show of the early 90s is back. "American Gladiators" which pits the strength and agility of both male and female contestants against each other, will be taping at the Sony Studios (Culver City, CA) from Nov 28th-Dec. 12, 2007. The host is Hulk Hogan.
For groups of 10 or more (from a registered organization), who attend a taping, NBC will write a donation check. The more people, the higher the payment. For details, please call: 1-866-515-4950
Online reservations for individuals can be found here:
http://americangladiatorstickets.com/form.html
posted by
kafkaesque @
10:17 PM
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Friday, October 26, 2007 |
The Wisdom of Bob Dylan
How many songs could a tambourine man play, anyway? And why would you want to hear one, no matter how alert and directionless you might be? Because really, no matter what song the tambourine man might play for you, it's going to sound like kss! k-kss! k-kss!
I guess it's better than Mr. Triangle Man or Mr. Kazoo.
posted by
kafkaesque @
10:23 PM
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Tuesday, October 16, 2007 |
Eight (or Ten) Arms, No Waiting
I can't believe I missed International Cephalopod Awareness Day this year. Beside the fact that I've surely offended some of my favorite cuttlefish, I've probably moved up the list for grisly disembowelment when the Old Ones show up. Let's hope Cthulhu sleeps in.
posted by
kafkaesque @
10:05 AM
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Tuesday, October 09, 2007 |
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