A My Life As An American Gladiator Tip: Learning the guitar is more difficult than you might think.

There are six strings, for one thing. I know! Six strings. It's pretty unreasonable. I have somewhat less than six fingers, due to a childhood trauma, so I am at a significant disadvantage, chord-wise. I think maybe two strings would be more realistic.

And then there's this thing with the frets, which is just plain confusing. You have to put one finger on this string, one on that string. Sometimes you've got to Barre the damn things?! What do these people want from me? I'm just one man!

I have a book which tells me one finger positioning for the G. I have a video where a sedated instructor, who resembles Mr Heat Miser, tells me another positioning. What is meaning of this? Are they just making it up as they go?

And don't get me started on the video instructor. He's like some sort of evil clown, mocking me with his effortless folk songs. He never changes his tone, speaking very rhythmically and slowly, without a hint of inflection in his voice, like he's trying to bend me to his will, to indoctrinate me into some lethargic cult, as he sings "He's Got the Whole World In His Hands" again and again and again...

I have visions of myself, locked in a nightmare world where I can only play Pete Seeger's "Let's Go Riding In The Car" for all eternity, and even then, I keep screwing up and have to start over.