Friday, August 02, 2002

It may have been a tactical error cutting off my hair.

You see, I have an amazing propensity for hitting myself in the head with things. This propensity seems to vary directly with how little hair I have on my head. I once had my hair almost completely shaved off, which led to a truly alarming episode at a pub wherein the spiked lid of an iron lamp-post fell on my head. The ensuing mayhem was reminiscent of a Dario Argento film, but at least garnered my friends and I free beer.

When I had long hair, I never clonked my head on anything. Now, any time one of the higher cabinets in our kitchen is a bit ajar, I stare at it fearfully and whimper. In fairness to the inanimate objects that tend to run into my skull, it must be said that I have a really big head. If an object is falling from the sky anywhere in Orange County, California, there's a better than average chance it'll hit my head. So there's that.

One of my favorite places for head injuries is the miniscule "storage" closet off the balcony of our apartment. I'm about 5'11", and the doorframe of this little closet is about 5'9". I am reminded of this every time I render myself insensible trying to stand up before I'm out the door. The scene usually goes like this:

Kafkaesque crouches and wedges himself into storage closet, grabs tiny Weber barbecue. An internal monologue is heard.

Internal Monologue: "Don't stand up. Don't stand up. Don't stand up."


Kafkaesque falls to the floor, clutching his head. Crows are heard laughing.

*minutes pass*

Kafkaesque, undaunted, goes back in for the briquets and lighter fuel.

Internal Monologue: "Don't stand up. Don't stand up. Why am I even bothering telling you this? You're just going to--"


Far off, a mariachi band pauses in the middle of a song and, as one, cast their gazes skyward and shake their heads. Then, they resume playing.

Exeunt all.

Other places I have hit my head:

Under desk, retrieving rogue pen/Cheez-It/shoe
Various file cabinets, ramming head into open upper drawer
Memorable incident in bagel shop where large box full of toilet seat covers fell on head while on top step of ladder
The Berliner Dom: Not recommended for head-hitting at all. The ceiling is astonishingly hard.
Dulwich, England: Details hazy. Pull-up bar may have been involved.


Blog Archive