Tuesday, August 27, 2002

I wrote this entry for no clear reason, except to say the word "toast" a lot. It's not the best thing I've ever written on my blog. I just wanted to get that out in the open from the get-go. You may want to just skip to one of the archives right now, to be totally honest with you. But, you know, I'm not exactly burning the midnight oil on the blog entries lately, and some the magical elves at Kafkaesque Labs are starting to grow complacent, so here you go:

Toaster Shopping 101

To choose the best toaster for you and yours, just stop by your local Target, Macy's or what have you, with a couple of loaves of bread. For the beginner, I would recommend white bread, or perhaps a light rye. More experienced shoppers may opt for anything up to pumpernickel, though I advise you to steer clear of Vollkornbrot or non-frosted Pop Tarts, for reasons both aesthetic and aerodynamic.

Once you have come to grips with the layout of the store, toaster-wise, secure your borders. Make sure there are no miscreants poking or otherwise fondling any of the toasters or generally being a nuisance. You can chase them off with sharper implements from the Housewares section. The blade from an Oster blender, for example, makes an excellent Shuriken, or throwing star.

Once you have the toaster "theater" to yourself, you are ready to shop.

Assemble all of the toasters next to each other, and load them up with bread. It is extremely important that you depress all of the toast-plungers at the same time, probably requiring the use of a "toast stick" from a toast stick manufacturer of good standing in your community (unless you are one of those Indian gods with eight sets of arms*).

Take note of which toast pops the fastest, which has the longest "hang time", and which achieves both the highest altitude and airspeed velocity. This is the toaster for you.

If no clear winner has emerged, it may be necessary to institute a challenge round, where toast is popped for distance, or accuracy (which may be important if you have visions of using your toaster for home defense).

For more advanced toaster hunters, a "toaster-off" (or "Duel o' the Toaste") may be undertaken, in which two persons "square off" by marching ten paces away from each other, turning and then firing toast until one person is hit by toast, the bread runs out, or one participant either falls asleep or suffers death by electrocution (note: if you are fatally electrocuted by a toaster at any point during your toaster shopping, make a note not to purchase that particular brand.)

* Of course, if you were one of those Indian gods with eight sets of arms, you could probably depress the toast-plungers simultaneously with your mind. Or, come to think of it, you could just toast the bread with your mind. But maybe you're a sentimental, old-school kind of Indian god with eight sets of arms who enjoys sitting home of a weekend and manually toasting. I don't know. I don't want to pigeonhole you into a certain disposition, especially seeing as how you could probably set me up with a good word for the reincarnation thing. So, to summarize, if you are an Indian god with eight sets of arms: firstly, welcome to my little blog. I am honored that a deity such as yourself could take time from your busy schedule just to read about shopping for toasters. Secondly, just go ahead and do what you think is right as far as the depression of the toast-plungers. I'm sure you know better than me, a mere mortal, who only has the one set of arms


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