Wednesday, May 15, 2002

Vanilla Coke came out today. There are many facets to this exciting carbonated beverage barnburner of a story:

- Does Coke really need to advertise? (corollary: Does milk really need to advertise?)

- When I was a young lad, I watched television religiously in my soundproof enclosure, under observation by a team of Russian scientists who subjected me to horribly intrusive mind control experiments. OK, that last part is not technically true. They weren't Russian. What I'm really saying is that during these formative years, I was exposed to the television show Laverne & Shirley, in which otherwise rational, if a little screechy and annoying, human beings voluntarily ingest a mixture of Milk and Pepsi. Wanting to remake myself in a fashion more closely resembling Lenny of the redoubtable Lenny and Squiggy, I tried to concoct my own Milk-Cola treat. Now, I don't know if the Laverne & Shirley people saw this as some cruel joke, or if they sincerely believed people could ingest Milk and Pepsi. I'm not here to point fingers, or to suggest some sort of Class-Action lawsuit against Penny Marshall is in order, but I am here to tell you that you should under no circumstances attempt this beverage.

It curdles, for one thing. And it makes you feel ill, like you may be explosively sick without warning. Unless that's your cup of tea (or cup of bile) my advice is to turn the other cheek.

- Is Coke under pressure to create something that fails spectacularly every couple of years? I give Vanilla Coke about 2 months.


Blog Archive