Wednesday, May 15, 2002

The Hammacher Schlemmer Unexpected Catalog

Stereo Egg Chair - No-one needs one of these. As far as I know, the only people who have ever considered buying the Stereo Egg Chair are card-carrying supervillains or escapees from the 70s with Muttonchops and those yellow-lensed glasses. It should come with a big gold medallion and love oil. And I don't even know what love oil is.

Inflatable Iceberg - I ask you, what sort of deranged company sells an inflatable iceberg without the accompanying inflatable walruses and penguins*? It's just cruel. The sizzle, but not the steak.

Sleep Sound Generator - I don't know about you, but if I worked in the audio department at Hammacher and Schlemmer, I'd wait until about 45 minutes into the recording and then yell "AAAAAAGH! A BEAR!!". Of course, I do not work there, luckily for you.

Home-Grown Organic Shiitake Mushroom Kit - It is important to note that using the Home-Grown Organic Shiitake Mushroom Kit as a hat or in any non-horticultural manner, officially voids the warranty.

Briefcase Theramin - Very very cool. Impress your boss at the next board meeting by whipping into a spontaneous rendition of the Star Trek Theme, or perhaps a medley of Lothar and The Hand People hits.

Large Garden Brachiosaurus Topiary - Worried about trespassers? Worry no more by scaring the hell out of them with dinosaur shrubbery! At least the more impressionable among them.

Personal Disco Dance Floor - Worried you don't look foolish enough? Worry no more!

* By the way, don't get any ideas about emailing me and crowing about how walruses and penguins live on opposite poles, and therefore would never be found, even inflatably, on the same artifical iceberg. Alternately, if they do live together in peace and harmony, both inflatably and non-inflatably, feel free to drop me a line and let me know how well I'm doing researching these things and not just winging it.


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