I have a confession to make, and I have reached the stage of my life where I think full disclosure is an important thing, so here goes:

I hate The Eagles.

I know, I know. It's a little hard to accept at first, but you're just going to have to accept me as I am. "Hotel California" will never, ever, find its way onto any playlist in which I have the slightest say. Maybe you picture the two of us relaxing one day, reminiscing about our good old times, when you start to tap your toes to the twangy 70s rock beat issuing from the speakers. "Kafkaesque," you think you'd ask. "Is that the Eagles?"

And I would smile in a way that implied some deep knowing had passed between us and inexorably bonded us and say quietly "Oh yeah." Maybe even making that little "Toking on the invisible roach" gesture which I for some reason associate with Eagles fans.

This scenario is not possible, due to my loathing for The Eagles and all that they represent.

I would go so far as to say that it is more likely I would be listening to The Doobie Brothers, even though I honestly have no idea what they even sound like, or The Moody Blues, who I thought for a while sang that "Touch of Grey" song but in fact did not.

And I even have a Creedence Clearwater Revival greatest hits album! True, I've only listened to it once, and I picked it up for fifty cents at a Flea Market, but the striking inconsistency is there!

Don't even bother trying to educate me as to how The Eagles were really groudbreaking and actually were very impressive musicians. I do not care.

From this day forth, let it be known, My Life As An American Gladiator is an Eagles-Free Zone! If this weblog were the movie Conan the Barbarian and I were, however unlikely this may be, cast in the Schwarzenegger role, this would be the moment where I swear eternal vengeance on that Snake Cult Guy, though in this case he would be played not by James Earl Jones, but by Don Henley. Was Don Henley even the singer? I don't know!!

That's how much I hate The Eagles.

Even now, as I type this, my hate for them is growing exponentially larger, exacerbated by the fact that I am thinking about them for no other reason except to share with you how much I hate them. Which is a lot.