Friday, November 15, 2002

Get in the cup.

I know. I know it's not a cup. It's a tub. Get in the tub.

I know it smells. It had crumbled bleu cheese in it. Get in there.

No! Don't run the other way!

Look. The walls are metal, they're sloped, and you can't get up there. And it's wet. And if you go down the drain, well, I can't be responsible for what happens to you down there.

It's not like I invited you in here. You just show up. And then you're running all over the place like a maniac. Watch out!

Was that your leg? Did I break your leg? Let me see it. Oh great. Now your leg's broken.

Don't cry. Stop crying.

Look, I'm saving you here. I'm your Jesus. You hear me? I'm your Jesus. You should be singing a little song about me. Maybe, later, you can tell all your pals about me and maybe all of you together can write the song. And you could make a little statue of me. Me and my tub. I know. I know it smells.

Now get in the tub and we'll go outside. It's nice out there. Your leg'll be OK. You have more legs. Look at me. I break a leg, there's no way I'm going anywhere. You? You can suck it up.

Get in the tub, for god's sake.

OK, you in? Good.

No. No! Stay in there. Don't crawl on me! Get off my arm. Are you venomous? You're not venomous.

Get back in there. Let me get the lid on.

OK. Here we are. We're at the door. You cool? You stayin' cool? I'm going to dump you out now, and (listen to me carefully here) when I dump you out, do not under any circumstances attempt to run back into the apartment before I close the door.

It's going to be sort of a flinging thing I'm going to do with the tub and I just want you to be ready. I'm guessing that with you being so small and light there's no way you could get hurt, but I honestly don't know. Maybe you should, like, tuck up into a little ball or something.

Maybe you have some kneepads? You would need eight of them though, right? Well, seven, now. Sorry.

Or a little crash helmet?

Look, if that's your attitude I'll throw you over the railing. How would you like that? Four floors of freefall.

That's what I thought.

OK. Ready? Bye!

Why did you put your web on my hand??? Get off me!

Damn spiders.


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