Want people to leave you alone at work? Just say "I'm having problems" a lot. I've been doing this all day and so far it's working great.

Whenever anyone seems ready to ask you something, or engage in some mindless banter about the relative coldness or warmness of this particular part of the office, throw a preemptive strike their way. Sigh, just a little, and say "I'm having problems."

Most people will just leave you alone right there. They don't want to know about your problems. They don't want to know if you're talking about problems with your three-hole punch, or problems like not knowing how to drive a stick, or something more along the lines of your teenage son dressing up like a Siamang on the weekends. People just want to be left alone. I know this is true because I'm a people and I want to be left alone.

If the "I'm having problems" thing doesn't work, get under your desk, armed with whatever office supplies you can muster, and scream obscenities at your coworkers while flinging staplers, phones or 17-inch monitors at them. This should get them to leave you alone. For a while at least. You may have to run up to one of them and smash their head down into their keyboard. See if you can spell actual words by mashing their nose and saggy jowls into the keys again and again and again.

If people still won't leave you alone (especially touchy-feely HR type people), tell them you're having problems some more and maybe cry.

I'm still working on it, OK?