Tuesday, February 12, 2002

OK. I know that last post about the dead singer may have proved a little traumatic for some of you out there, but it's not going to get any easier for you because today we have to discuss the very serious subject of Royal Caviar. Before you click the link, be warned that there's some pretty serious grooving going on over there at Royal Caviar. Not only is Royal Caviar not real caviar, but it's just got to funk. (note to the sound-card impaired: Why, there's music on that site!)

So what is Royal Caviar? It's kind of like caviar. It's caviar shaped and I'm sure it's got artificial fish stinkiness added to it to give it a caviaresque bouquet, but the cold hard reality is that it's soy. Because, according to the website anyway, we all want to eat caviar every day. Now I'm speaking here as someone who likes caviar, and hardly ever thinks about bait while eating it, and I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that I don't want to eat it every day. I'm guessing from the mega-phat jams that they're laying down over at Royal Caviar that they're aiming for a young and hip demographic with their soy caviar substitute. I can see it now:

*We fade in on the Club that does not exist except for in movies like The Matrix and Strange Days, with music playing that you're not quite sure if it's Ministry or a cheap Ministry rip-off because they couldn't afford to license the real thing*

Groover #1: "Hi there Groover #2. Is that caviar you're eating? *sigh* I wish I could eat caviar and still keep my youthful and fresh sensibilities and pert buttocks, but it's just too fatty."
Groover #2: "Well, Groover #1, now you don't have to worry about the flabby decrepitude that results from a lifetime of excess and ridiculous overindulgence.You can eat Royal Caviar Soy Caviar Substitute every day for the rest of your natural life, and only worry about the odor and bowel trouble."
Groover #1: "That means I can still groove every night. Kickin! Thank you Royal Caviar Soy Caviar Substitute!"

*Fade out*

And the best thing about Royal Caviar? Even though it's soy, it still costs 17 dollars a jar. That's part of what makes the "caviar substitute" thing so effective: you're out the same amount of cash as if you had bought the real thing! Ain't life grand?

(Note for all you caviar hounds out there. I'll call you my "caviar posse" if I may be so bold. Trader Joe's has pretty good caviar for, like, four bucks a jar, and it actually comes out of a fish.*)

*Note: If you are a high-up executive and at Trader Joe's and would like to send me some free caviar for that unsolicited endorsement of your fine establishment, feel free to do so. And that good Samuel Smith's beer. Not the cheap stuff. And you can keep that Vodka of The Gods too. So, to review, a little caviar (not too much as it's kind of fatty) and maybe a twelve pack of Samuel Smith's Pure Filtered Lager. Thank you for your time.


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