Quick! Call a DeskJet Printer exorcist!

My printer is, quite possibly, possessed by the hoary host of the netherworld. At random times, and for no good reason at all, it will spit out a page of paper. It is not, as was suggested to me, printing in tongues, but I feel that eventuality is pretty much a foregone conclusion at this point. I think the random nature of these paper outbursts may not be random at all, and may be indicative of a larger and much more sinister scheme at work behind the scenes. My fear is that the printer is only trying to lull me into a false sense of security with the seemingly random paper spew.

I think it's trying to kill me.

Think about it. All that has to happen is that I fall asleep in front of my printer (a prospect which is frighteningly possible, in my fast-paced world of shirking), and happen to expose my tender neck...next thing you know, it's a paper-cut laceration to the jugular! They'll find me lurching around back here, slamming against the cubical walls as the blood spurts in slow motion, the Matte Finish Great White Imaging and Photo Paper still protruding from the angry wound as the choral music swells to a fever soprano pitch, which would maybe even include a theramin or glockenspiel.

And then it'll all be over. But at least I won't have to worry about memos anymore. So there's that.

I do wish Captain Howdy or whoever it is that's possessing my InkJet would keep things little quieter though. It's hard enough to sleep, much less have a meeting with the company president, while your printer is yelling out things like "You're all gonna die up there!" and "La plume de ma tante!"

So it goes.