Friday, October 05, 2001

Today at My Life As An American Gladiator, we look into a phenomenon that has, at one time or another, touched all of our lives. A topic so sensitive, none of the major media outlets would touch it. Put it this way: there are people out there that don't want you to know.

In case you haven't already guessed, I'm talking about the horror of Dead Bees.

If you ever want to throw someone into a panic, all you have to do is speak those two simple words: "DEAD BEE!" Obviously, Dead Bees aren't all that threatening unless you happen to be barefoot (or unshod, if you prefer), but it doesn't matter. You can be in the middle of a big board meeting, where lots of serious wheelin' and dealin' is going on, and people are saying "synergy" and "ratio" a lot, and all you have to do is shout "DEAD BEE!". Within seconds, the most powerful business mogul will be hopping around and saying "Where? Where? Is it on me?" in a querulous voice. This is a good thing to remember if you ever have to give a presentation at a meeting and are totally and completely unprepared (a situation I'm guessing most readers of this crap are all too familiar with). You can just shout "DEAD BEE!" and then run out of the room in the ensuing pandemonium. If things get confusing enough, you may even be able to convince your boss that you already gave the presentation.

So what is it about Dead Bees that chills our very souls? Of course it is the fact that a bee may be dead, but it can still sting you. In a sense this makes them Undead Bees. Little Bee Nosferatus who dwell in the shadows, perhaps having little bee out-of-body-experiences as they watch their fragile, broken body to see what poor sap is going to go running by and step on the stinger.

Now, when I was just a wee kid, my Mom would watch a lot of Masterpiece Theater. She was English, and they do that, the English. I would often watch these jolly miniseries with her, learning such valuable lessons as how to be a noble member of the servant class while not really getting anywhere, etc. Anyway, one of the miniseries on Masterpiece Theater was called UXB. And it was great. UXB stood for Unexploded Bomb, and the show concerned UXB Squads who had to get out there and defuse the things. You had lots of sweaty moments with guys with twirled moustaches clipping wires. "Blue or red wire, Chumley?" they would ask each other before impetuously saying "Oh dash it all, Smythe-Forrester. I'm cutting the bl--"

That sort of thing.

My point is what we really need to deal with the ever-present threat of Undead Bees are Undead Bee Disposal Squads. As soon as a shout of "DEAD BEE!" was heard, a van would screech to a halt, and the UBDS would be on the scene, making the world safe for bare feet again. They would cordon off the scene, and guys wearing a lot of Kevlar would isolate the bee and remove it from action. The only trouble is, someone would have to "detonate" these Undead Bees, or else you'd end up with a huge stockpile of them, ripe for some maniac to liberate from their secure location and use them to menace society at large. Once you've looked down the business end of an Undead Bee Stinger, I'm guessing your life would never be the same.

Upcoming exposés:

Why Aquaman is the most potentially threatening superhero


Punchpuppets: Why are they so funny?


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