Thursday, October 25, 2001

Here's something else for you to note as you go through the tragicomedy we call life:

When did those commericals start? You know, the ones for allergy medication or herpes medication or baldness, where at the end of the commerical they have a really fast-talking guy quickly run through the list of horrific side-effects that await you should you be foolish enough to ingest the advertised product.

"Taking Proxoloxin may cause bleeding through your hair. Additional side effects of Proxoloxin may include your teeth turning orange and fusing into a beak, your left ear sealing closed, your shady business deals being investigated by a hard-hitting consumer advocate from the 6 o'clock news, alienation of your houseplants and/or pets, amnesia, a general sense of malaise, loss of complimentary fast-food ketchup packet privileges, growth of an undisclosed and completely unnecessary internal organ, increase in junk mail from dating services, clam-o-phobia, laughing out of context, coal in your stocking, revocation of membership in any and all masonic lodges, change in eye color, forking of tongue, and severe itching, swelling and redness pretty much everywhere on your body and the bodies of your acquaintances. Children under 12 should not take Proxoloxin. Members of the clergy should not take Proxoloxin. Nervous people may take Proxoloxin, but by no means should they tell anyone they are taking Proxoloxin.

Oh, and your head might fall off, too."

All said very quickly, as if it was nothing to really worry about all that much.

Speaking of that, whatever happened to the whole Really-Fast-Talking-Guy thing, so popular in the late eighties? I think maybe the world as a whole just kind of said "Wow! What a colossally stupid talent! You there, Fast Talking Guy! Stop that! And you, Police Academy Funny Mouth Noises Guy, you too!"

That's unity, my brothers.

[coming soon: the story of Elvis and MonkeyBoy]


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