Since I was nattering on about junk mail the other day, why not revisit that delightful realm again? "Because it sounds really dull?" you snap at me and continue eating your sandwich, your acid tone melting the muenster cheese onto the romaine lettuce.

Well, I'm not saying it's going to heart-poundingly exciting, but here goes:

My Macy's Bill, by kafkaesque (age 6)

Yes it's true, I have a Macy's card. I didn't really want to possess a Macy's card, but circumstances beyond my control forced me to buy a ridiculously expensive leather jacket that I am still paying for and which now has cat claw marks on it. These are very similar to, but not exactly the same as, the circumstances which to this day do not allow me to pay off the card completely, thereby avoiding the crux of the problem: The Stinky Macy's Bill.

Right now I am sitting in my happy little cube at work (which is, in all honesty, more of a trapezoid and not particularly happy), having just consumed my lunch and paid some bills. Because one of these bills was The Stinky Macy's Bill, my little suffer-zone now smells like a french cathouse.

Macy's people of the world, listen to me: I don't want perfume samples in my bill. There is no conceivable scenario in which I would be paying my bill and pause as I lick the envelope, thinking in a far-off way: "Wait a second here, is that the delightful scent of wild jasmine with just a hint of vanilla undercurrent?"

No.

Instead I am thinking "Good Christ! The damn Macy's bill stinks again!"

There are plenty of other things you can order from the convenience of your Macy's envelope, including "Timeless Gifts for $5" (a term that is apparently defined by 2 different plastic appointment books and a pen), Thermalite Shutters ("They'll never know they're not wood") and Disney Figurine Clocks. The Disney Clocks range from the happy "Pooh & Friends", the peculiar "Cinderella with Pumpkin" to the blatant despair of "Tigger Alone".

What I'm really trying to say is lighten up Macy's! Take it easy! We know you can buy pretty much everything at a Macy's.

Especially if it says Tommy Hilfiger in huge letters on it. They have lots of that stuff.