Listen to me, people of Earth!

Here is the eagerly anticipated list of aliens living among us. It is 100% Extra Triple True because it was written by a person named Josh Nevada (which sounds like either a porn star or the owner of a western wear store that specializes in oversize belt buckles). This page is also published on a French site, following the Weekly World News rule of "The less plausible it is, the farther away from the United States we'll say it happened." Someone eating their own leg could be, say, Florida, but Bigfoot performing psychic surgery on unsuspecting backpackers could be as far away as Tibet.

Without further ado:

SHORT LIST OF MARTIAN CHARACTERS IN THE STAGE WORLD or BREVE LISTE DES PERSONNAGES MARTIENS SUR LA SCENE MONDIALE (Venusians, Pans, Lizards and others also included)

Some highlights:

Dick Cheney: Martian
John Glenn: Martian
A significant portion of the United States House of Representatives: Martians
Steve Ballmer. Microsoft CEO: Martian
Tony Blair: Martian
The Pope: Also a Martian

As for Hollywood:
Jean-Claude Van Damme, Antonio Banderas, Malcolm McDowell, Woody Harrelson, Jude Law, Josh Nevada is calling MARTIAN! on you. Your secret is out! Wait a minute...he says Jurgen Prochnow, friend to all children, is a Martian. Jurgen, no! And Walken?! Oh. Tom Arnold is a Martian too. It all makes sense now.

And Music:
Bjork, to no-one's surprise: a Martian
Willie Nelson and Eminem: Martians the pair of 'em.
George Michael and someone from Iron Maiden: Very much Martian.

Other:
Wayne Gretzky and Richard Hatch (Who I thought was Apollo on Battlestar Galactica but turns out to be some guy from "Survivor" [and not even the band, the TV show!]. If I was a Martian you can bet I would rather be Apollo than some schmuck in a tank top): Martians.

Venusians include Tiger Woods, Sting and Nicholas Cage.

Then, Josh Nevada gets a little vague with the "From Other Planets of Our Solar System" Category. Samuel Jackson and Laurence Fishburne, sure. I'll give you those. But "Apoc" from The Matrix? He's only in the movie for about 45 seconds and you've got to go and say he's from Neptune? That's just not cricket, Mr. Nevada.

I'd go on, but it's just too painful. Suffice to say that Frederico Fellini and Carl Jung are locked in an epic struggle of wills with Mick Jagger and Nina Hagen about something or other. I think.

More patently crazy Martian stuff for you and yours.