I have now been at my godforsaken job for two years. Besides making me drop my head into my hands and weep openly, this means I have a new special ability: I now accrue sick time at 1.5 times the rate of your garden variety less-than-two years employee.

This is now my Special Move, like a Jet Li Flying Shadowless Kick or the kind of thing you get when you press all the buttons at the same time in Mortal Kombat 2 or something. If I was a comic book superhero, a panel would show me sitting at my desk, quietly despairing, and one of those Batman or Liechtenstein-like action balloons that say things like "Zokk!" and "Biff!" would appear over my head and say "Accrue Sick Time!"

Or, you know, like if I was a 25th level fighter/magic-user and I finally reached the "+1d6 on all sick time accrual rolls" level. Not that I would know about stuff like that or anything. Because I wouldn't. You can't prove anything!

Soon I will reach the level of accruing sick time faster than I can use it. Once this legendary accrual has occurred, I will begin to get progressively healthier until I am unstoppable force of good health, and people will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am lying when I call in sick.