So we recently purchased one of those fax/printer thingys. Mere days after bringing this little bundle of joy into the Stygian depths of our study/computer lounge, Fax Spam started to spew forth copiously. Fax Spam is mystifying to me. Admittedly, many things are mystifying to me, like how TV works and why a tomato is a fruit, but that's beside the point.

Do they just keep trying numbers until one of them happens to be a fax machine? I picture legions of pathetic lackeys shackled to phones with lots of shiny buttons that don't really do anything calling number after number after number, their cruel, hunchbacked supervisor leaning over them and lightly brushing their pasty neck with a riding crop, whispering "Was that one a fax number, you fool? No? Oh yes, the whip I think."

So they determine I have a fax machine and just start hurling garbage at me, on – and this is the best part – paper I paid for. Why just today the good folks at Wendy's somehow decided that I was in dire need of a FREE CHICKEN SANDWICH! and sent me some convenient coupons. What a nice guy that old man with the heart trouble must be.

After I get done with my sandwich, it's off on a delightful CARNIVAL CRUISE for a mere $299! But the fun doesn't stop there. Then I can buy toner from people who use clip art cheerleaders on their flyers. That must be some damn good toner.

But the real coup de grace, which I'm keeping under my hat, is the HOT STOCK TIP which showed up on something that looked mindbogglingly close to a copy of the Wall Street Journal. Oh, except that it was on a letter-sized piece of MY paper and seemed to consist only of an article about how it would be the very height of depravity not to divest my entire life savings and invest in UniverCell Holdings (OTC BB: UCVL: PARROT TURD).

Oh no! I let the name of my hot stock tip slip! Now all seven of you reading this will be able to reap the gargantuan gains which can only be gained from unwanted crap shooting out of your innocent fax machine. Horrors!

Thank you, Fax Spam!