Apparently, there has been a huge upsurge in the number of grizzled, outdoorsy types being abducted by scantily-clad alien women and subjected to clean, close shaves.

According to one abductee named Chet (not his real name) the scantily clad visitors were painted silver for no good reason.

This alarming trend is sapping our generation of some of the finest George-Michael-like stubble ever produced. They must be stopped!

Leading UFOlogists theorize that these shaving fiends first started to take notice of our haggard and stubbly chins when the Gillette company introduced the MACH 3 Razor, which opened rifts in the space-time continuum by featuring 3 blades on the same razor. Down was no longer up. Up was no longer down. We were through the looking glass, and the short-skirted aliens had to do something about it.

The shadow government that runs the Earth so reliably is said to be working on an ultimate weapon: a razor with FOUR blades. If such a technological enigma can be solved, we may be able to put a stop to these disturbing, though quite hygienic, abductions, and make the world a safer and scratchier place for our children.