Sunday, September 09, 2001

Kafkaesque's Great Idea #2:

I've been kicking this idea around for a while now and I think its time has finally come.

Everyone wants to get in shape right? The problem is we are (actually, I am) Extremely Lazy. I need motivation to get out there and boogie (motivation or several drinks anyway). People who have the drive to get out there and jog several miles a day are an alien race as far as I'm concerned. An alien race that likes to tell you, at great length and in great detail, how in shape they are, until you begin to harbor a secret desire to stab them repeatedly with blunt garden utensils. One day it struck me: for me to run with anything approaching regularity, there would have to be something large and extremely threatening chasing me.

My plan is to open a business that rents out dangerous animals to chase you around the urban streets, thus providing the impetus to run really fast. Of course, when the business first starts out, we're not going to be able to afford anything all that threatening, so the customer will have to make do with maybe a gang of angry chickens or an irritable hermit crab for a while. Actually, I would even be willing to put on a bear suit and chase them down the street for an extra charge or just try to hit the paying customers with my car.

When the business really takes off, it'll be no-holds-barred, baby! You sign your release form and then at an undisclosed time a savage maneater will surprise you and move in for the kill, sending you screaming down the street at speeds you never thought possible, all the while burning off those unsightly pounds. That would be another great feature of my plan: The beast could show up at any time, like during a department meeting or while you're eating never know! That tension would also be the key in awakening the human body's natural weight-loss tool: Holy terror. And if the lion (or hermit crab) does get the jump on you and finishes you off in its gaping maw – cutting short the thread of your existence in a symphony of nightmarish pain – well, you won't have to worry about those extra pounds, will you?

Another benefit of this plan: I would be able to test my theory that when chased by angry livestock, most people will shout "GANGWAY!" just like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. This theory has not won me many fans among angry livestock theoreticians, but I have never dealt in popularity.


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