Howie Long Radio Shack commericals. If you ever want to torture someone and pulling off parts of their body really slowly sounds a little too good for them, I would sit them down in front of a screen, their eyes held open Clockwork Orange style, and make them watch a nonstop stream of these haunting advertisements.

I really wonder who the target audience of these commericals is. Maybe Radio Shack got tired of having their customer base composed solely of Ham Radio freaks and guys who spend 6 hours a night listening to the Police scanner. Their new target audience, people who aren't repelled by the interaction between Howie Long and Teri Hatcher, is possibly seven people max. For those of you not in the loop, as the kids say, Teri Hatcher was TV's Lois Lane. Howie Long was of course TV's Howie Long. Are these two married? Should I care?

What is it about these little cutesy ads that bothers me so much? That's just it: I don't even know. For some reason they just seem wrong. I think maybe they are so painfully unhip because you can sense them straining for the hip factor.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to suspect Radio Shack of a hidden agenda. These guys practically ask you for a urine sample when you buy batteries at Radio Shack, so don't be surprised if these little morsels of Howie-Teri goodness are only the beginning. I see a subversive coup attempt in the near future, after the populace has been brainwashed by the ads, they move in with the heavy artillery. I don't know what that will be, but god knows it won't be pretty. Microscopic implants through which the voice of Howie Long will drive you to buy poorly made radio controlled Chevy Cavaliers, and inferior Home Theater Systems. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Hmm.

On another note, those of you who have been following the Clamato story with something resembling attention may wish to know that I have YET to receive any free Clamato stuff from those bastards. I think my phone has been tapped too. I know too much! They know I'm going to blow the lid off this whole clam-squeezing scandal unless a big shipment of free Clamato stuff arrives, and I mean soon.