On my frequent road trips up to the Bay Area, I'm all about the jerky. There are many factors to consider in your purchase of jerky, however.

1 - Do you wish to allay any dental wounds?

You may wish to opt for the softer jerky. Some jerky seems to have been made by leaving it out on the interstate and letting it get run over by large trucks, like the kid in Pet Sematary. This results in jerky roughly the consistency of burlap.

The softer jerky, while worrying in its own way, is far safer on your teeth. There is a dilemma inherent in the soft jerky hunt itself, though.

2 - How to find the soft jerky?

Whenever we stop for jerky on our road trips, my wife and I gaze at the plethora of jerky choices laid out before us like an open, salty road. Once, we found the primo jerky of all time. It was soft, succulent, did not remove any fillings, and had no inexplicable cow parts within. This supreme jerky experience has tainted us.

Now, whenever we stop for jerky, we search in vain for this particular brand. The odd thing is that neither of us can remember what brand it was. This is similar to the concept of Missing Time, experienced by many alien abductees who say really ludicrous things and have unreliable timepieces.

What am I saying here? Just that there may be a relationship between the good jerky and probing. So be careful.

3 - The Dirty Jerky

Sure, you've got a lot of jerky choices, but I beg you, people of earth, do not venture into the arena of Dirty Jerky. You know what I'm talking about. The jerky that sits up by the gas station register in a little cubby hole or giant plastic jar. You reach your hand in and pull out a slab of jerky that's just sitting in there unwrapped, like a jerky nudist.

God knows how many grubby hands have fondled that jerky before you. Maybe someone whose hygeine habits are less than 100% effort-wise, I don't know. They should just call that stuff Hepatitis Jerky.

4 - The somewhat daunting price consideration

Jerky is unreasonably expensive. I have paid anywhere from a couple of dollars for a bag up to about 9 dollars. 9 dollars! Why the hell does jerky cost 9 dollars?! Why would anyone pay that much for jerky?! Are you some kind of idiot, Kafkaesque?

Quite possibly.