Every once in a while, I am sucked into the depressing spectacle known as network television. Last night, in my World Cup daze, I happened to catch some of Fear Factor.

Let me tell you, I think the Fear Factor people are running out of ideas. I saw some Wheel Of Fortune rejects participate in a relatively alarming stunt that consisted of bobbing for plums in a half-full aquarium. They had put about fifty little water snakes in there too, and a big constrictor snake of some sort. I think the the scariest aspect of that particular stunt was pretty obvious: Bobbing for Plums?!? Who the hell bobs for plums?

Apples? Yes. But plums? That's just freaky.

Maybe the producers were under pressure from the religious right not to depict snakes and apples together, not wanting to poison the flabby minds of America's TV public. But let's be honest: if you're watching a program in the hopes of seeing someone barf on camera or get their nose bitten off by an angry varmint, your chances of going to Hell are pretty good already.

The second stunt was to drive a Pontiac Firechicken off the side of a three story parking structure into a big pile of boxes. That's not scary! The people on the show were psyched to get in there and get their Starsky and Hutch on. They said "Wooo!" a lot too, which is a good indication they weren't petrified.

I mean, what's next? Eating jelly donuts? Getting a rubdown?

Pathetic.