Tuesday, July 31, 2001

Having trouble with your shower drain at home? Here's a fun game you can play until you actually get it together to go to the store and buy some Drano. A little something I call Drain-Clog Das Boot. If you find that the water level in your shower is up to your knees when you finally switch off the flow, you're ready for some Drain-Clog Das Boot.

First, take your shower as you normally would. We wouldn't want you sullying this respectable game with your stink, now would we? Switch off the shower, taking note of the pleasing splooshing sounds you make in the half-full tub. If any items such as loofahs, body gel bottles or smaller pets have fallen off the shelf and are now floating in the tub, so much the better. Life on those U-Boats was no picnic you know!

Next grab the oilskin raincoat or plastic slicker which you should have placed on the toilet seat and put it on. Now, turn the shower back on, kneel down and grip both sides of the tub. Rock back and forth as the spray from the shower hits you in the face and shout out "Schneller! Schneller!" For advanced play, try some of these more difficult phrases: "We are going to ram right through Gibraltar!" or "Flood torpedo tubes one through four!". You can play the soundtrack really loud for atmosphere, or if you happen to know a few bassoon players, just have them pile into the bathroom with you. The more the merrier is the motto for Drain-Clog Das Boot. If you make enough noise with the soundtrack or the bassoons, you may even get the upstairs neighbors to pound on the ceiling: the poor man's depth charges!

All that remains is to make sure you make a statement about the ultimate futility of war at the game's end. You can't go wrong with a meaningful look into the camera as you survey your fallen brethren. If no brethren are handy, try using playmobil cowboys and indians, or even make your own brethren out of pipe cleaners.


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