Monday, July 30, 2001

If you know me at all, which of course you probably don't, you know there's one thing that drives me. That spark that lights the way when I feel lost. Yes, that's right. I'm talking about Clamato. I used to think Clamato was just a myth...something mother clams would use to scare the baby clams when they were acting up and wouldn't go to bed: "there's a biiiig factory and there's a machine with all the naughty baby clams on a conveyor belt...and the machine is sqeeeeeezing squeeeeezing squeeezing them...." Little did I know of the rich history of Clamato. Though I was a bit disappointed that there are but two questions in the Clamato FAQs, one of which is "can I ask a question about Clamato?".

I urge you all to visit the Clamato Swami with something approaching regularity. Dwell in the light of its bivalve wisdom. Perhaps, while you're there, you may feel like a little game of "turn the tomatoes into clams". Hey, I'm not saying you will. But it is a distinct possibility. While you're enjoying the game, cast your eyes over to the right hand side of the page for a truly disturbing .gif of a clam drinking Clamato. That is just wrong on so many levels I won't even deign to discuss it.

To be honest, there are a couple of things about the Clamato website that trouble me. For one, the implication that the public wants less clam and not more in their tomato-clam beverages, as evidenced by their shocking slogan: "99.9% Clam Free". That's kind of like making chocolate chip cookies and then advertising that they are 99.9% chocolate free! Wake up, Clamato! The public wants more clam! And why would you make a beverage that included bivalve juice, unless you thought it was a good idea in the first place. And, further, if you are somewhat embarrassed at the relatively high clam content in your juice, don't put the word "Clam" in the brand name. Just an idea.

Here is the first kafkaesque-Clamato communique:

Dear Clamato Sirs and Madams

I am somewhat troubled by your repetition of the the phrase "99.9% Clam Free" on this website. Why must the public be deprived of our beloved clam juice? I would be willing to accept a tomato-clam beverage that included up to 1% clam juice. I might even push the clam envelope all the way up to 5%! What really irks me about this sentiment is the implicit idea that less clam is good. If this is indeed Mott's motto, why put clam in it at all? Do you just hate clams?

Another question: are your clams treated humanely? Are they kept in tiny pens with no room to move their foot-mouth? Are the clams squeezed by hand, like a wet washcloth, to harvest their clam goodness? I don't want to have to alert PETA to you guys, but I won't hesitate to do so unless you send me free Clamato, and lots of it.

Also, do you have 99.9% Clam Free t-shirts? I think you are missing out on a huge marketing opportunity here. I'm actually kind of serious about that. I bet Urban Outfitters could sell shirts like that by the truckload.

yours sincerely


Stay tuned for updates on the Clamato situation, including a possible exposé on the menace that is The Clamato Vampire.

It should tell you a little something about my life that the toughest decision I have made so far today was whether to make this entry about Clamato or the Jurgen Prochnow Fan Club.


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