Friday, January 24, 2003

A few things:

Thing 1: Hanging a CD From Your Rear-View Mirror: I don't get this at all. Are these people missing the point of the CD? Did people used to hang 45s and LPs from their mirrors in the old days? I did a little research, and it turns out that people who hang a CD from their mirror are actually trying to frighten away birds and deer. This is important if you have a sudden bird and deer infestation in your car.

Thing B: The Duck People: I drive by a park on my way home every night. This park has a lot of ducks. When I say "a lot" of ducks, I mean there's hordes of them. An unreasonable amount of ducks. Geese, too*. And no matter what time I drive by the park, there are people feeding the ducks. Now, you expect to see a few people tossing the odd breadcrumb to ducks. I have no problem with that. Ducks don't ever repay these small favors we do them, but there you are. They're basically a bunch of ungrateful jerks, the ducks. If they were a little bigger, they'd probably try to kill you. That's just conjecture of course. Don't tell any ducks I said that.

But I digress.

What I'm talking about here is The Duck People. They're feeding the ducks all the time. They pull up in their cars, and open up the trunk, where they have giant bags of seed, which they throw to these teeming throngs of duckdom that gather around them in droves. Sometimes there are three or four groups of Duck People out there. And not always the same people. So these ducks are being fed continually. Why? What are The Duck People doing? Are they fattening up the ducks for any particular reason?

Maybe The Duck People don't really want to feed these ducks. Maybe they have to. Maybe the ducks call them and set a schedule.

"Hi! This is Wendy!"

"Wendy. It's the ducks."

"Oh. Uh. Hi."

"You will be here at 4:30."

"Listen, I'd love to, but I have a dentist appointment."

"You will be here. Do not push us, Wendy. We can destroy you."

"I'll...I'll be there."

Thing 3: The Excuse: Please excuse Mr. Kafkaesque from writing in his blog for the period of one (1) week. For karmic reasons, he will be on a business trip to a place roughly the temperature of the planet Neptune.

* Geese kind of freak me out. When I was a kid, my mom would always say this to me when I was in a situation where a goose was involved: "Geese can break your leg in half if they want to." So every time I see a goose, I get a mental image of a goose snapping my femur in half with its razor-sharp devil-beak. Or maybe it was swans.


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