A Brief Confession

I subscribe to Word of the Day emails only so I can feel superior when I already know the word.

Just In Case

So a bunch of crazy Swiss types think it's a good idea to tamper in God's domain and start accelerating particles all willy-nilly (not to get too technical for you). To me, it seems like they're just asking for some janitor to stumble into a vortex and be given supervillain powers, but do they care? No.

In case you would like to check if the Large Hadron Collider has destroyed the world yet, check out everyone's favorite site (and make sure to view the source):

hasthelargehadroncolliderdestroyedtheworldyet.com

I sometimes think of Clippy, and where he is now. Maybe selling pencils down on skid row. Following passers-by, his breath reeking of Jasco. "Hey... mister..." he slurs. "It looks like you're trying to get away from me! Here are some options you might try."

And as his victim hurries away, the tears roll down Clippy's face. "I just want to help. Only to help."

The Napoleonic Wars

I have had a deep and abiding need for a Napoleon since last week. Not the pint-sized French general kind, but the pastry kind. My usual go-to pastry destination, Whole Foods, left me Napoleonless, in a "not much call for them around here, squire" interaction. Another luxury grocery store which shall remain nameless (but is in fact named Draeger's) also failed Napoleonically and has snotty clerks to boot.

If I don't get a Napoleon soon, I can't be held responsible for the consequences. I might have to build a doomsday machine, lug it to a remote island location called, I don't know, let's say Skull Island, and threaten the world supervillain style until my demands are met.

I bet that's how Dr. Doom got started. And the real tragedy is that he probably got his Napoleon right after they put that metal mask on him, so one of his henchmen had to push the Napoleon through the tiny mouth-slit.